saturday afternoon, the monster was brave enough to meet me in addison to attend a performance of my mother's handbell choir. afterwards, we coffeed, talked, and cd shopped until it was time for me to meet darren. the two of us walked the block to sons of hermann hall to take in a production of waiting for godot.
we found seats on an empty row. of course, as it started to fill up, a girl came along to save the seats next to me. i tried to throw in an extra cough&sniffle at this time in hopes of convincing her to seek more germ-free pastures. unfortunately, it was a sold out show. as it turned out, she knew one of the performers which propelled her into cackling loudly far far more than was warranted in addition to periodic handclaps and shifting in her seat that caused those fantastic vinyl-fart noises.
sometime during the first act, i realized i had managed to confuse or merge the storylines of godot with rosencrantz and guildenstern. oh well. the actors did a great job and really put themselves into the roles. personally, i feel i would require a refresher existentialism study session to truly appreciate the play. it's not linear and apparent. it requires heaps of interpretation hearkening to days of high school english. but all was not lost on me.
the theme central to the piece is what spoke far too clearly to me. the waiting and waiting for that which never comes. whiling away today only to do it all over again tomorrow, all the time never advancing. and stasis has its own negative impact.... meaning the irony of holding even isn't a straight line... it does slope its way silently down the y axis.
< interlude >
strangely, a couple of days ago, i found the words i have no joy come tumbling from my lips. stranger still, i despise the word joy, so i have no idea why this particular word would find its way into an intimate revelation. but there it was all the same. i think i've noticed this more and more lately... bits of personal truths spilling unbidden from my head and passing over my vocal cords. fortunately, this only happens as i patter about my home and not when in public. then there'd be even further cause for concern, i suppose. is this a signal that the multiple personalities are finally blossoming? well, let me tell you, this new girl is not fond of me.
i feel myself detaching in so many ways from things which all my life i have professed to be integral to my happiness... which i've always held sacred and striven to maintain as a part of my world. traditions, friendships, dreams.... i've lost the will to care. it does worry me a bit. i'm not quite sure what it means or if there is hope to get it back or if i want to get it back. people think i'm kidding when i say i'm dead inside. granted i find it an amusing catch phrase as well. but it's still the truth. no melodrama intended. this is my only answer for it. i'm dying on the vine.
i'm considering moving out of dallas. for most people, this would not be a particularly earth-shattering event. but i am best known (obviously) for my propensity for stasis. don't get me wrong: unlike many, i actually do like dallas. it's always been my big city. but i need to be somewhere that has a different vibe. the people factor i require is not present here that i can find. i was quite hopeful when i moved down from denton. but two years later, i have yet to meet even one new person... or at least one that i formed a relationship with. so perhaps for my own mental and emotional well-being, it's time to look for a more drastic change. of course that will likely still be at least a year away. don't know what the hell to do in the meantime to keep myself together.
< / interlude >
darren was surprised when i asked him after the play if we should go to the meridian room so i could pay him back for the play tickets with drinks. even though i had been 'sick', i don't know why this was so shocking. head cold schmead schmold. i had already decided the three day limit was up on that bug and cured myself halfway through the afternoon. so we went. we drank. we admired the hoochie mama wearing the billed english beanie (i have no idea what those things are called) with a red t-shirt, leopard print mini halter dress, and light grey pants. yeah... we didn't understand it either. i also didn't understand the girl wearing jeans with silver pumps who stole the converse boy who was talking to the many mustachioed men including the one dressed similar to a sheriff or saloon keeper of the old west. darren tottered on the edge of liking the pumps, but i slapped him back down.
on the way back to the car, darren indicated he was feeling like he had just gotten started. do i need to take you somewhere else? i queried. when out of his mouth flew MINC! let's go to MINC!. oh... i groaned. but i suppose those three fat tire ales had worked there magic on me, because the next thing i knew we had abandoned the car and were walking to the place we have been fearing for over a year.
i did change my mind quickly when we opened the door and i realized the person checking id's was brooke of party monster fame (the real brooke, not natasha lyonne, of course). and after we got drinks and brooke ended up touching my back on her way to the dance floor, i decided i should probably make out with her. mostly because i was drunk and also because i knew the thought completely horrified darren. i worked that angle all night as darren would forcefully march me through the club in search of the striped-hat-charlie we had met thinking he could force me to pounce on that stranger and instead i would stall back at the door and make threatening, lesbionic gestures.
needless to say, there was no action for either of us. that's quite alright. i did keep asking darren if he could imagine our parents at 30 years old being where we were and doing what we were doing. lordy no.
so here i sit today. the cosmic finger still hovering over that big PAUSE || button on my life. the hangover lasted until almost onepm. it's rainy, cloudy, and cold outside. i just couldn't commit to a day of life. tomorrow i shall leave my quarters. something to look forward to. yippee.