changing lives since 2003 (ms_pooka) wrote,
changing lives since 2003

part II of the series homosexual tendencies and mullets: they go hand in hand

praise jesus. not only am i finished with churning this chum out as fast as i can, i've finally viewed the final film in the LOTR trilogy. it's over. no more! darren and i viewed the first two together and i knew that we would view the final one together as well. unbeknownst to me, we apparently have the tradition of doing this on a sunday in january.

as is required to turn down the volume of my whining about going to see LOTR movies, we stopped into the new Deep Ellum location of 7-11 to purchase candy that we could smuggle into the theater. darren loaded up his jacket pockets with cellophane wrapped goodies and was instructed to stand aside while i purchased the tickets. we couldn't have him flailing his arms about in front of the theater employees and giving us away with all the crackling. of course, as i took back my decapitated ticket from the last line of theater defense and prepared to embark upon the escalator, i made the near-fatal mistake of disturbing my own bits of cellophane in my purse. fortunately, we must have been out of earshot. after the impressive amounts of candy consumption darren accomplished during last year's movie, we were saddened he was unable to break his own record after dumping all his candy on the floor halfway through. it was tragic.

as is our tradition (or curse), we wound up seated at the epicenter of all annoying movie patrons. during the movie, i was practically convinced that our friend KillBiller was seated a couple of rows behind us as unwarranted comments wafted to us every now and again. to our left was a middle aged woman who was wont to clap during climactic scenes and utter alternating sentiments of approval, dismay, or shock. yes, she was one of those who seems to honestly forget it's just a movie. the row in front of us contained the man who decided it was appropriate to either accept or make a cellphone call during a movie.

Lord of the Rings: the Twin Towers Burn to the Ground for Good:
i'd heard from many sources that the animation was very impressive. i had also heard that the hobbits cried too fucking much.

hobbits: here is where the mullets and the homosexual tendencies come into play. and not only do they sport mullets, they sport permed mullets. there were so many wistful hobbit stares that i couldn't keep track. there were the sentiments expressed between sam and a worn out frodo on the cusp of the pre-ejaculatory volcanic mountainside that included mention of strawberries & cream and being naked in darkness, just before that lazy fucker frodo pretended he was too beaten to traipse his way to the climax of the volcano thereby forcing sam to carry him. of course frodo's ruse is exposed when further danger ensues and all of a sudden he is up and frolicking about on his own. fucking lazy assed hobbit.

then let's not forget the highly suggestive scene where sam watches frodo stare him in the eyes from the ledge inside the fiery volcano as he positions his hobbit phallus finger at the entrance of the orifice-like opening of the ring just before completing the final thrust into it and disappearing in bliss.

and who can ignore the frantic four hobbit tickle fight in bed that ensued once everyone had predictably reached safety? all those permed mullets pulsing and and bobbing about. if that doesn't sell you on my theory, nothing will.

theories aside.... when i consider the LOTR trilogy as a whole, i get the distinct feeling i'm viewing a tape loop. i honestly thought the first 20 minutes of this movie consisted of scenes from the first two to get any newcomers up to speed. darren tells me this was untrue.

i was relieved when the final scene appeared where jesus was crowned king just before kissing the lead singer of aerosmith. then there was about another 20 minutes where the movie ended, and ended, and then it ended some more. just when you think that fade to white was going to pass the torch to the credits, it ended again. it was starting to feel like i was watching the ending(s) of brazil.

i was quite pleased to see john matuszak make a triumphant return to the big screen as a pig-faced commander for the dark forces. you may remember him from his role in goonies. i suppose sean astin got him the hook up.

as further reward for my moviegoing perserverance, darren and i consumed heaps of tofu at kalachandji's.

now i leave you with something to ponder:
considering the hobbits are so short, why is it they are perpetually unable to locate full-length pants? even when dressed in their final scene finery like little lads off to oxford, short pants.
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