i'm trying to lose weight by compressing the air out of my lungs
i'm feeling the need to be immersed in something. wrapped up in it completely. something that keeps me from feeling the rifts in my personality. that unifies it and makes everything else fall away as unimportant and uninteresting. i never seem able to figure this one out. i don't know how to make it work. there's always a grass-is-greener motif all around me. i want to live in too many different and conflicting worlds and can't make myself commit to any one of them. but it's making me feel like i can't breathe today. feeling panicky. anxiety-ridden more than usual. and just in general i've noticed the waves of anxiety coming and going but never fully receding before the next one hits. a slow buildup, but i don't know to what end. thinking of things / possibilities that i assumed i had worked through many many years ago and dismissed (for the better). a desperation thing. and a string of unlikely events shoving it back into my face.
fuck i don't know what to do with myself and can't stand seeing the clock ticking off more seconds of time wasted in indecision.
apologies for the purposely vague post. it's my way of sparing others.