so i go to the swim lesson and, since i'm having a horrible time fitting in my own trip to the gym, i hopped on the elliptical for 20 minutes. then we headed over to the target for a new, economy-sized bottle of red hot, which oliver enjoys eating with a spoon so don't be fooled into thinking i force feed him spicy dinners when he acts like his mouth is on fire, and a halter-strapped bra for the reunion dress. i have two ornery children with me, so it's not like i have much time before an inevitable explosion of someone and i grab the one i can find with a little tag showing a drawing of a bra in standard formation, in racerback formation, and in halter formation. bingo blammo, let's go.
i get home and there is no way in hell that bra converts into a halter. i sent a hate mail to target because it is no small thing to wrangle these little people around while bra shopping and i sure is hell don't want to have to do it twice because of some stupid, lying tag. it was a weird feeling to receive a reply from samantha in customer service referencing my bra purchase. i felt like i was 12 and in the PE locker room suffering from underwear embarrassment.
we came home for lunch and naps. violet slept for 15 minutes and oliver slept for 0 minutes, opting instead to kick the wall behind his head board. i finally relented and pulled people out of beds and forced them into clothing and marched them back out to the car for a trip to kohl's. you might have noticed how no one has yet to show up to fix my a/c and it's after 2pm here. i'm trapped going only to places from which i can access my home within 15 minutes so that i will be at JD's beck and call.
i purchase those sandal-type shoes for this weekend and while trying them on, i walk around to a different aisle of shoes with the display shoe on my foot thinking i'm forgetting something and assuming it was just the sale tag i had unclipped from the shoe until someone asks me if i need help and i say i'm fine and someone else says, "i've never seen a baby crawl like that!" and it was violet coming around the corner after me. because that's what i had been forgetting. oh well.
i've been having difficulties recently with oliver not staying next to me in stores and today was no exception. he was lollygagging behind me and i was walking down a main aisle of the store where they always have those ridiculous, gigantic display shelves right in the big middle of the aisle and this one had an end cap with those terrifying rods that stick straight out of it and make you nervous that you, or your child, are going to manage to put your eye out on it. fortunately, these made a large loop back at the end. i say "fortunately" because here comes oliver pulling up to the rear and trotting along at a semi-fast pace and at the last second i realize he really does not see that he is barreling straight into a mammoth piece of furniture with metal rods sticking out of it and i holler, "LOOK OUT" and it's too late and his face goes straight into a rod and he's flung back on to the ground and i must have thrown violet and the box of shoes on the floor and i remember slapping myself down there and thinking no one will care about the dramatic nature of us because we are obviously going to need an ambulance to come and fix the hole in my child's eye.
oliver's crying big, old tears and refusing to point to what's been hit and the first thing i do is make sure his eyes aren't doing anything nasty. i tell him he can go to time out or tell me where he was hit and he opens up that it was his nose. i notice that his nose seems kind of crooked or bigger on one side, but i think that's just his nose and i've never realized that before. and then, violet's all pulled up on her feet with her hands on oliver's back and i'm saying, "ahhh... oh look! violet's worried about you!" and then violet whined and i realized it's like when oliver climbs on my lap these days and violet will throw a fit until i pick her up because she has turned into a jealous baby.
we moved on to the bras to no avail. however, oliver does find many pairs of panties i thought he was describing as huge, and believe me when i say there were definitely some huge panties hanging about over there, but it turned out he was saying cute.
i can't bear the thought of returning home because my life has become rounds of me losing my cool every ten minutes when oliver acts as if he can't hear a word i'm saying or do a single thing i ask without me moving heaven and earth first, so i take us through the starbucks drive thru and share a cookie with him and let violet sleep while i drive a serpentine path for 45 minutes.
notice how no one has come to fix my a/c yet.
we return home. i feed children again. i did not wait for brian because the sears window man was coming out at 6pm and it should have been some kind of sign that the heavens opened up just before his arrival, in such a way that i mistook raindrops for hail, and then cinched back closed the second he drove away. while he was inside, he regaled the awesomeness of our condo and the names of our children and told us their window minimum is $1500. yes. you read that right. i could be replacing a window the size of a mouse's postage stamp and it would cost $1500. our special window was then estimated at $1937. we told him we're courting other suitors and quickly decided we needed to find window people who do not issue forth from big boxes.
notice how no one has come to fix my a/c yet.
at 8:34, as i was sitting down to type all this crap, brian came in to say i'd never believe who called and of course i can believe it because it's JD saying sorry things have run a little late and he's on his way over. HEY... THANKS FOR THE PHONE CALL. i have informed brian he does not need to go beyond the vent in LR2 to check his work and that man is not going to FUCKING WAKE UP MY CHILDREN.
i'm pleased brian is getting to see him in person. it saves me from having to rig up the Flip.
update: in breaking news, brian has just informed me that JD is scaling the ladder to the treacherous mansard roof, that has caused other technicians to turn away and turn down the job, with tools in one hand and a cigarette in the other. this helps explain the yellowness of his person. the cigarette part.