today's a mixed bag of emotion. it was also the end of a rather miraculous chain of employment for me. i've had wildly bizarre luck over the last many years and thought it might come around again until what appeared to be my saving grace ran out of steam this week. oh well.
so i finally took out the box i packed up a year ago when rumors of the office closing down first started. after getting my last check and gleefully seeing they had actually paid out all my vacation (i say "my vacation": thanks to the sheer laziness of others, oodles of paperwork for my days off were never turned in), tracy, grimmett, and i cracked open the three remaining beers and greeted the day.
many happy presses of the delete key obliterated the files that have tested my stress levels. then lin, zee, binh, and i ran over to birraporetti's where i had my beer lunch. farewell beer friday!
tonight darren was kind enough to buy me a ticket to go see black rebel motorcycle club. i think it's safe to say i like this band. the opening act (the warlocks) depressed the hell out of me though.
lord knows the whole "scene" at the club managed to make me feel like i'm a hundred years old. and not even necessarily because most people were younger. i just feel horribly out of the loop. or a loop anyway. i don't know what i want or where to find it or how to get it or who i want to be.
i want to shed the suit i've been wearing for soooo long. it's suffocating. i think i'm finally on the verge of disappearing. i've been waiting a long time for it and it feels like it's knocking on the other side of the door. if your mind tilts just right, it could slip through the grate and be gone. for so long i've felt like i don't exist outside of my own head. i've had several people come along who have a way of confirming this for me. it's happening again. and now i've got nothing but time and no distractions to have it constantly running through my head. it's just not good for me to spend alot of time alone. shit. i know i'm not drunk (not for lack of trying). i must be tired. it's turned off my filter and made me go all honest and no fun.
good night then.