changing lives since 2003 (ms_pooka) wrote,
changing lives since 2003

for sale: gigantic, orange, striped asshole.

and by "for sale," i mean "i will pay you to take him".

i think i've mentioned more than once that brian has a fat cat named ozzy who has kept my two cats prisoners in our bedroom during the three plus years that we've lived here. ttyki finally shook off her shackles several months ago and said "screw this" and totally moved out of the bedroom one day and started eating ozzy and juana's food and peeing in their litter boxes. and, even as the reigning smallest cat in the household, she has triumphed.

but, poor oskar. he now lives by himself back there. i see him frequently these days trying to come out, but terrified because he gets attacked on a regular basis to the point where fur literally flies. more and more, i have been looking up or passing through the dining room to see him sitting several feet outside the bedroom. like he's trying to slowly and surely move out as well. i always check to see where ozzy is and i'll usually find him staring with rapt attention in oskar's direction, his down's syndrome eyes as wide as they can get. i've been very impressed with oskar's fortitude with these new efforts. i tell him over and over: "if you just kick ozzy's ass onc time, you'll be home free." because, believe it or not, oskar is even bigger than ozzy. it's just he's a pacifist. or, more of a playful attacker.

i have tried grounding ozzy in the bathroom and even shutting him in our bedroom with oskar when he runs in there to bully, once i noticed he counted on being able to attack and run back out of there. and the bad behavior continues. he stares oskar down every chance he gets. he sashays his fat ass in there on occasion to eat oskar's food, even though he is forbidden to be in there. he is evil.

so tonight, we go to a make up class at the little gym and on our way back into the courtyard afterward, brian comes around the corner and starts saying "oskar? oskar?" and i look behind the hedges and clearly see a frightened cat staring at me with wide eyes and it makes so little sense, it's a good couple of seconds before i can process that it's MY cat sitting there behind the hedges (we have that old school hedge where there's a row of one kind of shrub forming a rectangle that contains a second kind of shrub... so there's a gap between the two).

so i'm looking at him and finally figuring out that my cat is somehow outside and then i'm wondering if all of our cats are mysteriously outside and how on earth are we going to find them all because obviously, we managed to leave both our condo door and the foyer door open, which makes no sense. and then i realize... holy shit! that damned loose screen came off the bedroom window again and oskar has fallen two stories into the shrubbery, which just happens to be sparse and stickly and only lightly dressed with prickly leaves right under the window.

and then, THEN, i look up at the screenless window to see OZZY SITTING THERE LOOKING DOWN. and it is plain as a bowl of vanilla ice cream that ozzy has made one of his patented attacks while oskar was lounging windowside and freaked his shit out, as oskar is highly skittish and highly strong, causing him to fall from the window.

as brian returns to the shrubs with a cat carrier, i tell this to him through clenched teeth and with much stifled obscenity, so as not to let the neighbors think poorly and because oliver is standing up at the living room window calling down to us, and brian tries to DEFEND THAT ASSHOLE'S HONOR as if he hasn't been witness to all the attacks over the last three years and the fact that oskar is terrified to leave his quarters.

oskar is the biggest tiddy baby around and, like i said, super strong. when brian offered to try and pick him up, i informed him that, as a result of those two traits, oskar would rip him to shreds. plan B worked and brian was able to scoot through the bushes and herd oskar to the open foyer door where he slithered like a four-legged furry snake up the stairs and into the condo WHERE OZZY PROCEEDED TO ATTACK HIM WHILE HE RAN TO THE BEDROOM.

and brian still tried to make excuses of how oskar likely napped his way out of that window and a concerned ozzy was just there to see what all the ruckus was about.
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.