we arrived in tyler and immediately went with my parents to el charro where, despite my intentions to lose a superficial pound or two by sunday morning, i doused my intestines with a heady combination of guacamole, beer, salsa, chips, and the ever-mysterious Orange Sauce. for dessert, i found my parents log of thin mints lolling about languidly in the pantry and selected a dainty two. then my father pointed out to me that he had made us a plate of chocolate chip cookies. so i selected a dainty two.
my resolve to lose that pound or two was strengthened by saturday morning and didn't weaken again until dinnertime started to roll around and the dance of the candy and cookies began all over again. resistance was futile. but before that, i had taken oliver into the piano room to put him down for naptime saturday morning when i saw my mother through the french doors mouthing the words: "IT'S SNOWING", to which i mouthed the reply: "WHAAA?" what was even fancier than that was the fact that, after i was bitten two times, brian put the baby down for a nap for the first time since infancy. and then he did it again that afternoon! i just might survive this baby thing yet. maybe.
anyway, by the time i escaped naptime, there wasn't a trace of a white easter to be found when, all of a sudden, it looked like tree blossoms were being dumped in the backyard. but then there were more and more and more. an onslaught of fat, fluffy white flakes descending upon our texas wonderland a week into april. and it continued for two hours. it was fantastically eerie. like maybe today was the day of the plagues and the four horsemen. but there were no frogs and there were no clippity clops and we proceeded to the broadway square mall with mom as planned to find a questionable human dressed in a questionable rabbit outfit which i initially swore must be the same outfit i was photographed with my sophomore year of high school. the death rocker whistled and clapped for oliver's attention and then snapped the digital lens. i'm much pleased with the version we took home even though i would have been equally as happy to have had one where oliver was attempting to rip the rabbit's face off. i was beyond happy that we had spent $20 for 8 wallet-sized easter photos in tyler instead of $34.99 at the northpark mall for a schmaltzy photo with live, sad, working rabbits where our dollars would have included the sitting fee and one 5x7 with only $5 per additional child. sometimes, i really hate northpark.
we took the baby over to christie's for a playdate. her 1 year old, abby, went toodling by while oliver was standing at an activity center. he forgot for a second that he didn't know how to walk. we think he might have been inspired by his visit because it was around this time that he erupted into a cacophony of syllables after 7 months of only uttering "mamamama". not that i'm complaining. so out came "bababa" and "dada" and "puhpuh" and some other weird verbalizations that even i can't spell which make him sound like a different baby altogether.
my sister's family arrived that evening to eat pizza and dye eggs. there was glitter glitter everywhere. i hate glitter about as much as i hate styrofoam peanuts. and then i asked my niece if her now-ex-boyfriend cried when she broke up with him, at which point it came out that my mother had not gotten her story straight and it was my niece who had been dumped. that made me feel good. so they went away and then the baby went to sleep and the remaining four of us played Scene It. i won.
oliver woke up bright and early easter sunday. four easter bunnies left him the goods before the day was over. we kept it simple by getting him a little blue pail from ikea, a reprint of The Easter Bunny's Parade, and a bath time elephant that was on sale at pottery barn kids. he was quite thrilled when easter bunny #2 gave him Baby Einstein: First Signs and could barely contain himself when grandpa let him watch it with his hands on the television screen.
it was still ridiculously cold as i dressed the baby and myself like it was a summer day. the sun made the briefest of appearances as we headed off to the 11:30 service. since brian and i birthed ourselves a free ticket out of church, we only had to sit through 47 seconds of the service before i left to stand with mr. fussypants in the back corner. i watched the guitarist slam out a tune as the grandiose procession made its way to the front to disrobe the altar with a flourish displaying the sign with hallelujah spelled in glitter that might very well have made it's way from our paas easter egg kit. that's just how pervasive glitter is.
i couldn't take much more of that and neither could brian because he decided i just might need the diaper bag and left to find me. then i decided we should look at kids playing in the nursery and swing the baby on the playground. after that, i got really smart and declared it was ridiculous for us to be there at all when we could be back at my parents' packing up our mountains of shit to take over to my sister's in the middle of nowhere for lunch.
once we arrived at my sister's, we learned that easter bunny #3 had dropped off a Baby Einstein Lullaby CD for oliver along with a onesie, a chirpy fake chick, and a bubble wand. easter bunny #4 (my grandmother) eagerly brought over the 99cent wal-mart easter bucket filled with a banana, a baggie of cheerios (because my sister and i apparently loved them as babies), a baggie containing two rows of marshmallow peeps, three rubber ducks, and an inflatable 70's-styled easter rabbit which smelled like, as brian aptly put it, a pool float. it squeaked. the baby loved it. i worried silently that he was ingesting fumes of poly vinyl chloride.
though my niece is 15 and my nephew 10, they still participated in a highly competitive, fast paced easter egg hunt. my nephew found sorrow that his cash prizes were but a mere fraction of his sister's.
i'm hoping the kids are weaned from the hunt by the time oliver is ready to begin it in earnest. i would like to eradicate the insane amount of candy and toys included and completely do away with the cash. what happened to the joy of finding eggs just to find them? yeah, i know: good luck. this year, i just tossed some of his toys in the grass and let him play with them while i futilely tried to show him how to put them in his bucket.
as it happens, my niece's ex is also their next door neighbor. i was perplexed to see him whiling away the afternoon hours playing basketball with my nephew in the driveway and parading through the house in front of ashleigh's extended family, and hanging out on the trampoline in the back yard. i was angered and ready to spank when i learned that ex-boyfriend had been telling schoolmates that my niece is a bitch and a prude. so lisa, brian, ashleigh, and i sat in the dining room and bad mouthed the punk. by the time we were leaving, we walked out to the driveway to discover my nephew and the ex in the back of my brother-in-law's truck with a blanket? what the hell. what kind of kid who's a freshman in high school hangs out with a fifth grader (even if he looks like a fifth grader)? in the back of a truck? when the fifth grader is the brother of the girl he just dumped and called a bitch and a prude? i told ashleigh to be glad he was out of her life.
in other news, the baby's new diet has affected his elimination. he was backed up for four days before his intestines finally unleashed a thick brown poo on the scale of an argentinian mudslide.
in other news, i got this fancy new little cluster of herpes on my face and i've been having grand fun offering blow jobs to brian and trying my best to force myself on him. turnabout is fair play.
*my baby looked like a burn victim because he was wearing his uncle's socks
*thank goodness the camera wasn't behind me
i include this family photo from my parents' xmas party just because we all look so insane.