changing lives since 2003 (ms_pooka) wrote,
changing lives since 2003
ms_pooka

ttyki.

halfway through monday morning, i had my first official post partum breakdown. it had been a long time coming and i'm surprised i lasted that long. everything before it had just been a trial run.

it came by a combination of a not unusually fussy baby and a political project with an immediate deadline. the rhythm between the two quickly sent me into tears. and more tears. and more tears. i emailed brian stating simply that i was about to have a breakdown. he called and left a message. i emailed and said i didn't have time to answer the phone. he called and left another message. by the time i called him back, he was at lunch and oliver was sitting on my lap shrieking uncontrollably and i was so on the verge of tear-ridden that i found myself unable to even speak. all i could do was cry silently and listen to oliver's feedback over the earpiece until brian finally hung up and called back. he sounded fearful that i was about to andrea yates and told me he was coming home. he spent the rest of the afternoon doing laundry and cleaning the bathroom and watching the baby and rubbing my back and hugging my waist and kissing my face and neck.

after working my half day from 8am-6pm, we were ready to get out of the house and made a trip to target.

little did i know, nothing bad had even happened yet.

at some point that evening, i realized ttyki was sick. really sick. she's had problems off and on to varying degrees since a year ago regarding her intestines (see prior post regarding the massive poo evacuation the week before oliver was born). she's been more successful with her poos since then, but nothing stellar. she still, on occasion, spits up foam when trying to poo. monday night, she was straining over and over again and quickly becoming covered in drips of diarrhea. she had tracked it all over my bathroom (mostly) and was still not doing well. she kept spitting up and i eventually found her curled up in the litter box. i pulled her out several times before finally giving up. she moved to the bathmat in the tub. there was diarrhea spotted all over. she was lying in it and her own spit up. it was unbearable to see. she was in so much pain.

i left her in there to spend the night and checked on her several times. she finally produced four or five nuggets by morning. i bathed her as best i could before taking her into the vet's. i was hopeful it was just another case of impacted bowel and that she just needed some more laxatives and a better schedule of daily medication. things began looking more and more bleak. they gassed her and took a rectal swab that came out with only blood. they drew some blood to do an initial test to see if the diabetes was back. it wasn't. this may seem like a good thing, but it might have been the most manageable answer.

i left her there for more testing and arrived at the end of the day to pick her up. i had spent the day being terrified of what i might hear. i was afraid she would tell me i needed to put her down. i felt sick.

i showed up and was told that ttyki was doing worse. she still hadn't eaten or had any water and, of course, no bowel movement. she wouldn't move out of the corner of her cage. i can't remember any more when i was told what, but we left her overnight and whatever the final call was at that point, i suddenly felt a bit more hopeful. we went curtain shopping and for dinner at mint (where our baby was stolen again).

i called again this morning and was told that the test for liver function was out of the normal range. she called me back after speaking with a specialist who said it wasn't what was causing the problem. she said it might be cancer or a couple of other intestinal conditions. i gave the go ahead for an xray to see if cancer could be detected (which isn't foolproof). her bladder was small because of dehydration, but the liver and kidneys looked fine and the bumps in the intestines were likely feces. she told me we could hook her up to an IV (not sure why she wasn't already) and then start her on steroids to see if the cause was something not cancer that would respond to them.

i called brian in tears again and he came home for a couple of hours to help with the baby. i finally worked up the nerve around four to take oliver with me to visit. dr charles said she seemed better and had moved around a little. she hissed at me when i first offered my hand for her to sniff, but the second time she recognized i wasn't a member of the staff and leaned into my hand. we pulled up a stool and i pet her for 30 minutes. i felt horrible that it was so loud in there with constant doors swinging and dogs barking and cages clanging and people talking. i know her nerves are shot. toward the end of our visit, she finally started eating some kibble and felt well enough to come to the edge of the cage to plan her escape. i was ecstatic about this and then immediately heartbroken having to shut her back in and see me leaving out the side door.

i'm glad that right now i'm not typing an entry about how i had to put her down today. i know she's not exactly out of the woods yet, but i'm not ready to say goodbye to her yet. i don't like her being where she is right now. i want her home. she got so sick so suddenly. she had spent that afternoon following me around and wanting to jump in my lap and sitting on the chairs by the couch... too irritated with the living situation to actually sit on the couch. even though in the last month, she has climbed up there next to me a couple of times. if not because of her overwhelming desire to be near me than it was because of her overwhelming desire to be near the cookie in what she recognizes as a starbucks sugar bag.

diabetics and cookies.
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