changing lives since 2003 (ms_pooka) wrote,
changing lives since 2003

anal swabs and sedaris: a tried and true combination.

monday, the weather rather agreed for my anal swab appointment. i went to town with the wet wipe during my urine donation in order to make the transaction go as smoothly as possible. we want no flakes. no chunks. no unruly bits.

i was notified that i had gained my customary one pound in the past week and was marched into the examination kiosk. as on most days, i was instructed to strip from the waist down; but, this time it was the nurse issuing the command. i covered my disfigured legs and did my best to contour the paper sheet around the back to shield as much of my ass as possible as it splayed itself out on the examination table. as always, my back was to the door.

the nurse returned with my OB and began searching for the heartbeat while the OB and i chatted lightly. it was like any of our many previous appointments; except that this time, our usual banter was interrupted by the statement “go ahead and slide your heels up and let your thighs fall to the sides.”

we’d never done this before. the most intimate kelli and i had been was measuring my pubic symphysis. i quickly realized how important it is to establish the intimate aspects of the OB/GYN-patient relationship right up front and on the first visit before it begins to feel like so many coffee dates suddenly gone the way of lesbian porn.

was i fresh enough down there? would she think “eew.. grody!” as she gently ran the swab from bow to stern. would she think i had ugly, purplish girlie bits or would she be impressed by my cooter’s ability to have grown into such a tidy package?

i tried to blot out the internal quandaries and relax as if a speculum was ensuing.

and then, in the blink of an “eye”, it was over and we had moved on to other topics of conversation such as body piercings and med school loans without a wince of her face or a warble in her tone as if she did this sort of thing on a near-daily basis.

with another pregnancy milestone conquered, i was left alone in the examination room to collect myself. as i peeled away from the paper underlayment, i was dismayed to find a long thin line of moisture seeping through. had i perspired? had i over-doused with the hygienic wipe? had the swab left a trail?

i couldn’t possibly know so i made sure to wad up my paper sheet and place it over the spot with a firm press to help speed up the drying process.

ps: then, last night, darren took me and brian and amy s. to see david sedaris (my third time) at the majestic theater downtown. it was grand as always and we all went (sans amy s.) to have a late dinner at sol’s in deep ellum. i was out until 11:00pm! and darren had a margarita! right in front of me! and then dave showed up with two of his friends after working on restoring his “new” hud home and they ordered drinks as well! right in front of me!
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