some might remember how poorly similar days went both last summer and last fall. today was a new day!
nurse jennifer told me she remembered me. and she didn't mean that she possessed pleasant mental wanderings. i preemptively grabbed a kleenex before hopping on to her table and explained i was pretty sure i still hadn't processed what was about to happen and, perhaps, that would work in our favor.
over the course of the past several days, i had considered offering up my left nostril as a viable means to collect blood, but once the golden hour had arrived, i was too scared to remember that option.
i had been pleased up to that point to manage to not accidentally stick something of caloric value into my mouth aside from the half cup of sickeningly sweet orange glucose. then i was pleased that i had not regurgitated the sickeningly sweet orange glucose nor pass out when i was taken back for the weigh in (a modest five pounds in the last month for a running tally of 155).
dr culpepper called me a tiny, pregnant lady and likened me to some actress who was apparently pregnant on oscar's red carpet last night. i marveled in disbelief and asked her if my belly shouldn't be more firm. she assured me that the extra "give" would actually help prevent stretch marks. so let's just ignore the 27 pounds and counting and take her word for it.
she confirmed my yeast infection and what was apparently one day of hemorrhoids which had fashioned themselves into parenthesis around my anal cavity post-moving weekend and sent me on my way.
once nurse jennifer could no longer delay getting her hands on me, i asked if i could recline halfway again. i wasn't allowed to have my hand on the table and i couldn't turn it enough to grab a hold of my spanking-new maternity jeans, so i opted for the nearest object in immediate reach to use as a security blanket: "i'm just going to hold on to ... the hem of your shirt then." she acquiesced. once i flipped and flopped for a bit in anticipation of the stick and waited out a short phone call, she did it. and it stung this time too.
"ish it goin tsho take lon?" i murmured through my hand. "what's that?," she answered my question with a question. "is it going to take long?" not very, but the blood's not coming yet. holy shit! what are they thinking! no water for hours and then let's see if we can draw some blood. what little liquid had been running loose in my body had already come out into a plastic cup in the form of less than an inch of fluorescent yellow liquid. and, despite reminding myself over the years how needle sticks don't actually hurt, it was really stinging and pinching. i, of course, refused to look; but, i imagined she must've been attempting to stir things up in my arm to get it flowing. once she popped the tourniquet off, she said things were moving. once she pulled it back out, i untwisted the rest of my body and breathed a sigh of relief.
as a reward, i went straight to the starbucks for a decaf, soy, no foam caramel latte and a donut. then to the store so that i might feed my first yeast infection it's first does of store brand vaginal anti-fungal tonight.
now that i've had a cup of glucose, a cup of sugared coffee, and a donut since 9:30 this am, the baby has taken up tap dancing with hat and cane.
ps: holy mother fuckers. i think i'm about to have to go do a couple of shots of liquor to counteract what's going on in this baby's blood stream before he freaks me out anymore with his shenanigans. and, of course, brian is not here to feel them. he could quickly exert his baby-calming powers over my abdomen.