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OKC: i do. part II [07 Apr 2005|12:41am]
i lay in bed listening to mason as he birthed a light bulb above his head in the corridor outside...

i could wear a spiderman shirt and spiderman socks and spiderman underwear...

but baby, you're already dressed. we have to hurry.: his mother replied.

as soon as they were out the door that friday morning, i felt it was safe to exit the OU room (later rechristened The Sooner Room... and good god, i can't believe i forgot to take photos) and take a shower while allowing my eyes caress a bottle of Lander brand Wacky Watermelon shampoo.

brian managed to locate a bank one branch where we were promptly told we could have visited any of their thousands of locations in order to close his father's lingering bank account. then, believe it or not, there wasn't a single starbucks to be found in any of the three quadrants of the city neighboring our location, so we went to a sandwich shop called City Bites instead. City Bites was born in the 80's and didn't bother to change with the times as evidenced by the dark pink, yellow, and blue colored walls which were partially and fancifully deconstructed atop the black and white checkered floor tiles. there was a much larger than life hand reaching out from the wall to hold an ivy close to the ceiling and a rhino had been roped off after crashing halfway through a wall. sound disconcerting? well wait until you make your first visit to the restroom. i entertained thoughts of relieving my colon in a public place until nj let me in on a little secret: the walls next to and behind the toilet were actually windows looking out into the restaurant. just because they were covered with mirrored tinting did not make me feel any more at ease. in fact, as an aberration of my bladder, i could barely coax the urine forth.

it turns out that okc has a fancy, newly-updated super small airport and we visited it to pick up victor... usher #2. after the ambiguous fire drill which sent 80% of the terminal occupants strolling hesitantly toward the exit, we located victor outside. he turned out to be a tall, dark half-cuban ken doll who confused me into thinking he's a lighting jockey for the LA porn industry. instead, it turned out he's unemployed, much like the rest of us. he also pointed out for us that the man who let out the hem of his tuxedo pants during our errand to the Men's Wearhouse reeked of reefer.

we were now well into the afternoon and i was still jonesing for my morning caffeine and as luck would have it, we stumbled upon Java Dave's after a rolling stop at the bombing memorial. we were just minutes from the church where the wedding rehearsal was about to take place. as i strolled casually down the aisle toward the alter and henceforth the bathroom, i approached brian and whispered to him that this was much how our wedding day would be. he groaned and quickly passed me by. perhaps he was disappointed that my belly wasn't swollen with his child. yes, yes. much how our wedding day would be.

we were rewarded for our vigilance with a dinner and margaritas as big as our heads at abuelo's with about 50 of the Special Couple's closest friends and family members before proceeding to the After Dinner Soiree at neighboring Tap Werks. i saw the most fabulously awfully dressed woman-girl there. i tried to convince others to snap her photo, but no one was crafty enough. suffice it to say... there was a mass of curly brown hair, a waist-length white rabbit fur jacket, embroidered black chinese styled silk pants, stiletto sandals, faded tint 70's sunglasses, and a matching attitude. i almost fainted when she took the jacket off. just because.

nj and i remained rather modest in our alcohol consumption that night. perhaps because i managed to accidentally order a $7 beer. and we even made it to bed by 12:30pm. i'm thankful since the following day would be a long one. a looong one.
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suction [07 Apr 2005|11:00am]

months ago, i purchased one of those plastic shelf numbers that attach to your shower wall with suction cups and hold all your shampoo and other miscellaneous shower crap.

today, i looked at it and thought: "when, oh when, are you going to magically detach from that shower wall?"

lo and behold... my powers of telekinesis have just this instant dislodged the shampoo suction tray from the wall with a thunderous, multi-layered crash that made me think i was having an especially noisy bathroom flooding. all those mild, spring afternoons sitting in my fifth grade classroom and trying with all my might to make the door shut have finally paid off.

do not cross me. or i shall unhinge you as well.
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okc: i do. part III. [07 Apr 2005|11:35am]
mason was whiny with fever and vomit (again). as a result, i had to wait even longer until the resident family unit departed for a little league soccer game so that i could proceed to the shower to wash the previous day's stink from my pores and hair.

i was a little nervous. this was the big day. the day i had to act like a lady. i couldn't screw it up and ruin the entire wedding day. my purse (not the over-the-chest-number i've been toting on a daily basis since my last trip to germany four years ago, but the kenneth cole bag i purchased during a prior phase when i thought i wanted to embrace a professionally khaki existence which quickly became a haven for my old wallet and my passport) was filled to the brim with enough emergency girlie provisions to fully stock a bathroom. i made sure to include plenty of band aid's and a packet of dr. scholl's Moleskin to try and make the wearing of women's shoes as non-crippling as possible.

we set out hours and hours early because we had to pick up victor from his hotel room in edmond, along with daveM (usher #3... a high school teacher who will soon be unemployed and tricked me into thinking he would be fired once he asks a senior to the prom). i watched nj change into his monkey-suit amidst the carnage created the evening before when 10 others came to the hotel to drink beer from the bathtub and tried to watch porn until the wee hours. i almost slaughtered nj when his monkey pants showed him to be even skinnier than the baggy jeans he normally wears. (ps: the scale at the gym shows him to be losing half a pound a day culminating in a reading which proved him to be a mere handful of pounds weightier than i ... with his shoes and workout clothes on. i hate him.)

i had been riding around in the car all morning with my hands silently clasped under my chin and praying i would be granted another trip to Java Dave's before the ushers had to be at the church for photos. the sweet baby jesus loves me and my coffee. he even provided me with a giant chocolate chip cookie to prove it.

once at the church, i tried to linger in my urban commando pants as long as i could bear it before growing anxious enough to finally change into my skirt. and shoes. my feet began to sweat immediately and i was filled with gratefulness to my past self for having the presence of mind to install those sweat-sucking odor eaters.

i toodled on a path over and over which basically led from various part of the church to the bathroom (it's just my way). my final trip coincided with the bride's who was wearing fancy underwear, a veil, and her blue polka dot bathrobe. i climbed into the stall next to her, noticed it needed a new roll of paper, unwrapped a roll from the back of the toilet tank, and began pushing the middle of the tube onto the chrome dispenser. then something miraculous happened and i quietly, yet intently, exclaimed: "oh. my. god. that ... did not just happen."

i thought my eyes had deceived me. i thought perhaps a small mouse had materialized to tell me hello. but no... it was not quite so enchanting a fairy tale as that. it was less disney and more grimm. internet porn, even. some previous individual had apparently panicked by the lack of feminine hygiene product disposal units inside the stall. as a result, she had sloppily wrapped her tampon, bloodied by menstrual secretions, in a modest few squares of toilet paper and then inserted it into the middle of a once clean roll of toilet paper.

"it touched my hand." i cringed to the bride.

we would later bond over that moment. when i greeted her in the procession immediately following the ceremony, she asked if i had survived the tragic event without too much scarring.

the wedding itself seemed to go off without a hitch. the day could not have been more beautiful. the weather was perfect. the air had warmed to acceptable levels and the wind had died down. everything was blooming and green. the bride's friend read a very long, very biology-intense discourse about the hearts of hummingbirds and blue whales which segued into the eternal loneliness of all humanity. the woman officiating, with salt-and-pepper mullet in place, picked up the threads and continued with the ceremony.

i was rather proud of nj, victor, and daveM for learning the ushering ropes so quickly. and i was seated with daveTheJew, theresa, sara, and jason instead of nj's mother and stepfather... who i didn't even know would be there until mere hours beforehand. if i had been properly informed, i would at least have worn underpants.

next to come (when i get too bored to do anything else)... the after-party.
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