after weighing in at a pleasant 128 pounds (i was astonished it wasn't closer to 135... i guess it's all that fantastic early pregnancy bloat) with a blood pressure the perky nurse described as "perfect" (cha-ching! point 1 for team beth) and being given a tentative due date of may 29 (god help me on that day), we sat some more on chairs in the hallway. that's when i noted the examination table just ahead equipped with what appeared to be a pair of binoculars. this gave me the opportunity to inform the patient nearby and the nurse of my inability to understand why on earth anyone should choose to stare at cooters all day long. especially if they were doing it through binoculars.
after showering the nurse with the results from my recent bloodwork in hopes of confusing her out of doing another blood test, she showed us into our examination room, sans binoculars, and told me to get naked from the waist down. she handed me my paper sheet and left.
i spent a good 20-30 minutes doing that uncomfortable sitting half naked - clinging to a paper sheet - perched on the end of the table bit until i thought my back was permanently disfigured. dr milstein finally showed up looking a good bit like my friend's father, mr wright.
i think the most remarkable revelation that was made to me during this time was that i could drink as much as 3 to 4 cups of coffee if damn well wanted to. i nearly wept. he also told me i could get back in touch with my MSG (which is apparently in 30% of everything i hold near and dear to my stomach and which brian had shunned me away from (including my beloved knorr tomato basil soup mix i practically live off of)). we chatted for some time about do's and dont's and tests and expectations while all the while my pants sat folded on the bench. he then stood to leave and asked me to strip from the waist up and don the paper vest. i'm still trying to figure out why my pants were off for the consultation or why my top wasn't off all along.
i had about 10 seconds to get buck naked before everyone and their dog was in the room with me while i tried to shake out the paper vest with one hand and hold on to the paper sheet with the other. my boobs got squished and then it was time to slide to the end of the table.
brian had been dilly dallying in the tiny nook behind the doctor and thought his presence would escape my attention in the ensuing melee. no, it didn't. as i peeled my butt cheeks off the paper liner on the table and began saddling up, i told brian i hadn't forgotten he was over there, reminded him that he is not a doctor, and informed him it was time for him to vamoose to the other end of the table. i don't care if the grand plan is for me to have his baby. that's no good reason for him to go looking up my cooter.
after the physical assault, i was famished and we just happened to be at Medical City. this meant we were directly across the street from mint (asian fusion). that was some of the best pad thai i've had in my life. we scoped out a couple of nearby neighborhoods before ending up at starbucks for a spiced pumpkin latte. it was at this point, when the cash register pinged, that i remembered why i abstain from spiced pumpkin lattes: apparently spiced pumpkin syrup costs significantly more than caramel syrup. whatever. my bowels were singing a happy song they hadn't sung in two weeks.