at 6:00am that morning, ttyki had woken me up by bouncing her front paws on the edge of the mattress by my face and making a little purring noise. after staring intently and not making a move to jump up, i finally lifted her up and turned to get some more sleep. sleep was not to be had because oskar insisted on attacking ttyki every time i was about to drift off. “who could sleep on a day like today anyway?” i thought before rolling out of bed. besides, i had to pee like mad. i peed on stick number two of two of my pregnancy test two-pack and before i could even get off the toilet, it had already delivered the news: i was knocked up and knocked up good.
i can hardly say it was a surprise, but thinking you’re pregnant and being pregnant are two very different worlds. in the second, the safety net that makes the first damn near charming is ripped quickly away.
as the reality of my first 33 years of life began to peel away, so did my ability to remain calm. i placed a 6:45am phone call to my sister and allowed her to take the brunt of my falling apart. i sobbed into the phone making her think something had happened to our parents until i could get the news out. and i think it came out something like: “i’m pregnant. i’m pregnant i’m pregnant i’m pregnant.” there was no mistaking my message.
my sister quelled my initial anxiety and congratulated me before i settled in for the six hour wait before brian would be awake.
okay, so by 12:45pm, i still had to bang on brian’s door and call his cellphone before he woke up. but then, to soften the blow, i gave him a giant box of assorted saltwater taffy declaring “GREETINGS FROM FT. WALTON BEACH", and then followed up the gift giving with a baby.
i was nonplussed by his non-nonplusment. as it turned out, he had freaked out two weeks ago and had spent last week embracing the idea and doing internet research. he informed me we would should buy a place and move in together and that he would marry me on a beach in mexico if i liked. i deferred on the last offer for now.
so now i sit daunted by the carefully balanced mountain of servings i’m expected to eat on a daily basis chased by a horse pill that likely smells bad and pretending that, assuming this baby doesn’t fall out anytime soon, there is no such thing as childbirth and pants that don’t fit in my future.
i now leave to plot strategies to recoup my expenses incurred at the weddings and baby showers of others.