after some idle chit chat and after catching up on E’s fluctuating job situation for the upcoming school year, i dropped the B-bomb and marinated in looks of disappointment that i was treading back down a path that would end, for the third time, in heartache. she was worried she wouldn’t have enough frozen margaritas to heal the wounds again. but there it was. and that was that. and that’s what BFF are for. so we gobbled down pizza and beer until hank showed up from mowing the lawn. hahaha! he was mowing the lawn while we were guzzling beer and pizza.
since i was so close and had never been there, i couldn’t resist visiting big bri on his random night working at Red Hot FunWear. dude. that place is like the condom store on speed and steroids. i swooned from all the perversion wrapped up in that place. there were large boxes spilling over with vibrators because there wasn’t enough wallspace left to display them. neon buzzed and the man-panty bin overflowed. i resisted the urge to load up on more pony panties as they were (supposedly) priced at bargain basement levels of only $2.
after having spent a significant amount of time with brian at his job, i’ve started to think of these places as the 7-11’s of the underground store circuit. although, technically, i suppose all stores on the underground store circuit could be considered 7-11’s. i’m thinking security here. as in the odds of getting shot or mangled on the job. there’s a much higher segment of society visiting that’s hopped up on drugs or hormones or the desperation of homelessness and the diminished mental capacity which can spur homelessness and the possible accompanying violent religious fervor than one might see in a... oh, let’s say... dillard’s (see recent post regarding old bouncer with spontaneously ignited tazer). needless to say, i tallied a bit on my way out since one particularly creepy, jittery customer (wearing a mesh shirt, i might add. always a warning sign of danger, considering the 90’s are now well in the past.) was dallying in his pick up out front for some time after completing his transaction in the store undoubtedly waiting for a moment alone to shoot or mangle my boyfriend.
tuesday brought a night long in the planning. like two months long. ever since my first trip down to houston back in april, i had spawned an idea to take brian on a surprise date. it was oh so very romantic of me. really. there’s a “new” “vintage” drive-in theater called the galaxy about 30 miles south of dallas on I-45 open 7 days a week. once my traveling had settled and his alternative teaching program had ended, i wanted to celebrate by driving him down there. most likely sans blindfold, but who knows.
well, that plan was obviously shot to hell on june 4, but being the stubborn person i am who refuses to allow little snafus like a break up interfere with her plans, i persevered. of course, i told him what jig was up considering it would be just plain creepy to take him on a surprise date post-relationship. he said we should definitely go considering he was still all in love with me and shit (obvious sub-text). then we got back together and drove to the boondocks.
the exit took us right by the entrance to the theater so that we had to loop back for miles and take the world’s longest exit which also appeared to be under some kind of construction and nearly lodged my car into a 6 inch deep rut running nearly the entire width of the road. brian tried to convince me that the theater was but a thinly veiled attempt by the surrounding bumpkins to trap innocent passersby. i scoffed at this idea over and over again as i dodged massive potholes in my agile 1996 toyota camry. and then, i began to believe him.
not far up ahead, there was a bumpkin mowing his lawn which just happened to abut the access road. then this very large, very husky, chocolate brown fighting-dog looking dog stepped out into the road right in front of my car! what the holy hell!--i’m certain i exclaimed. i began to ooch slowly forward to coax the animal back off the road. but he was barking and moving closer to the front middle of my car. mother fucker! brian craned his neck to see if rolling some more would get him out of the way. not a chance! this was it! the bumpkins were going to get us after all! and then his complacent owner finally called the fiendish hound back to his thatch of grass so we could get the hell out of there.
we finally arrived at the drive-in and purchased our tickets for the low price of $6 each for two movies (we would have to skip the herbie remake due to time constraints and lack of want to see the herbie remake) and proceeded to find a parking spot. after loading up on candy in the refreshment hut and playing a game of galaga on a defunct machine, we pulled out the trusty picnic blanket and set up camp.
as we were at the remake-of-70’s-classics screen, the first film was charlie and the chocolate factory. i have mixed feelings about this production. though the effects were seamless and the mood (especially during the first part of the film) was spot on, i couldn’t get over johnny depp with his porcelain veneers and purple surgical gloves and pageboy haircut and womanly visage and simpering disposition. i don’t give a fuckall if it more closely represents the book. in my opinion, the original movie was perfect in every way. gene wilder infused his portrayal of the character with respectability and a slight edginess (let’s face it, he only barely put up with those assholes drinking from his chocolate river of purity and gobbling up his experimental doo dads without heeding his clearly voiced warnings). and don’t even get me started on that replicated oompa loompa from mumbai in his plastic pants and guitar rock segments. it was a disturba-thon between him and depp.
*i mean really... c'mon. there's no contest. johnny depp was blue for most of the movie fer crissakes. gene wilder clearly mocks him.
anyhow, the movie was well and good enough and we snuggled on the ground and watched the fireflies and the stars during the credits and stayed long enough to see the 60’s made intermission timer cartoons and scenes of technicolor refreshments. and shit. i’ve forgotten the phrase (holy shit... i spelled that fraze the first time) i was supposed to remember that summed the series up perfectly. ps: they apparently drank much coffee from open coffee pots in the movie theaters of yore.