for those of you who know, you might find yourself baffled why i would want to see the "asshole-ex". well, those days are long, long gone and, as far as my sad little psyche goes, there are basically two tommy's: asshole tommy of the past and non-threatening tommy of the present. ToftheP is more concerned with cooking and finishing law school and not so much with seeing how frequently he can cheat, administer psychological abuse, and get into legal trouble. refreshing!
so we met at Quan Yin Vegetarian Restaurant and giggled at the dinner photos of duck-shaped vegetarian duck and the iron buffalo hot plate. after carefully side-stepping such potential culinary disasters as vegetarian jellyfish salad and vegetarian kidneys, we finally ordered. i was glad enough to grab a beer at a little place in montrose called the proletariat and wondered what the hell i had been thinking the previous two weeks by not having had beer in my hotel room.
you might also be wondering how brian would handle his lady friend (that's me) dining and beering with an ex. he was fine and dandy. then, as a subersive passive-aggressive move, arranged for his not-so-distant ex, amanda, to fly in from hawaii to visit her sister and ask brian, dave, and me out to dinner and drinks. what a sneaky bastard.
background: i met brian quite incidentally because he had been one half of the winner of the party monster halloween costume contest in 2003. i later came across his friendster profile which included a photo from halloween. the other half of the winner was amanda.
so, oddly enough, i had technically already "met" her.
this might be where you cross your fingers, hold your breath, and hope to hear about a catfight. no such luck for you, you sad and hateful pack of ill-wishers. she was friendly and attentive AND she bought us beers at the flying saucer.
you're likely sad to hear such a smooth and boring ending to the story. but i can try to make up for it by including excerpts from
setting: the flying saucer beer emporium in addison (a fancy north dallas suburb), the back room which is filled with tacky couches (see diagram)
*note: there are several more couches to the right
say hello to anna and tyler:
anna: i hope you don't mind... we're just going to use this couch and scoot the table just a little closer. oh! and tyler's going to scoot the couch forward too!
considering all the other couches in the room were empty, i found it odd that they were choosing to cozy up to ours. of course, they immediately begin engaging us in conversation and any attempts for us to carry on our own conversation makes me feel like we've just dumped a kitten by the side of the road. ps: anna says everything with an inflated smile on her face.
anna and tyler refused to let amanda order a fat tire ale until they quizzed her and questioned her about what kind of beer she likes. amber? stout? wheat? any particular country? region? we're hop heads! that's what we call ourselves! hop heads!
tyler: at least go and ask for some samples before you order. you can get a whole tray of them and get drunk off that for free.
our waitress arrives just before tyler who is now carrying a jigger of one of their new favorite beers.
tyler: here... at least just try this before you order.
amanda: [drinks] hmmm.... maybe i'll order that for my second beer. but for my first, i'm going to have a fat tire.
i attempted to lend some sense of legitimacy to amanda's choice in the eyes of anna and tyler by informing them she used to live in colorado but is now in hawaii and can't get fat tire. it seemed to hush them up for awhile.
anna asked brian what he does. he began to regale her with sex shop stories with the gravest of faces. anna wanted to know the weirdest thing someone had bought. tyler flailed about forever trying to drive home just how naive anna is. anna should have smacked him, in my opinion.
eventually, anna and tyler notice what beer i'm drinking.
anna: is that a red stripe you're drinking?
tyler: whoa... how'd we miss that?
anna: yeah.... do you mind if i ask why you chose to order red stripe?
beth: uhhh... because i like it?
anna: it's just that that's what we drank before we knew any better.
beth: well, that's not very nice.
anna: i don't mean to be rude, it's just something we gave up drinking a long time ago.
tyler: yeah. that's what we drank back in college before we knew any better. just like that other beer, what was it?, the one that came in a short, fat bottle. it was scottish?
tyler: it had a "B" on the lid and a big mouth and it had a "B" on it and it was a fat bottle and it had a "B" on it...
i'm obviously even more put off by anna and tyler at this point and i begin to tire listening to tyler strain to come up with the name of what he considers another awful beer so he can draw the comparison to what i'm currently drinking, so i chose that moment to turn back to amanda and dave.
i aligned a trip to the bathroom so i could follow dave and urgently whisper: we have to go to another bar.
now i'll just include a few of the highlights from the anna and tyler show [as taken out of context, though for many instances, there was no context]
anna: when you're selling crack pipes, don't you have any ...uhh...uhh...
brian: moral qualms?
brian: no. if they don't buy it there, they'll just go across the street and get one. if someone wants to kill themselves, that's fine by me.
tyler: in this country, you can't just go and kill yourself.
beth: uhhh... yeah you can. it's not legal, but people kill themselves everyday [, assfuck]
anna: tyler spent four years in the marines! he got to blow stuff up!
anna: he put a ring on my finger. but we're never going to get married.
beth: oh. uhh... is that bad?
anna: we don't believe in marriage
[conversation ensues about the hardship of referring to your SO as a "partner" and having everyone assume you're gay]
anna: I'M STERILE!
beth: oh. uhh... is that bad?
tyler: i'm the one who drove her to the clinic! SNIP!SNIP!
beth: oh... i guess that's good then.
anna: i'm sorry. you must think we're horrible people for not wanting children.
beth: not at all. none of us have children. [i think this is where i foiled amanda's lie that she's a soccer mom]
i could pull this shit out of my ass for an hour, but i think you get the drift. eventually, dave and amanda popped up and said they were off to get another drink... much to my dismay. then brian ran away to the bathroom. i was only catching bits and pieces of what anna and tyler were saying, but for some reason, those bits and pieces made me think they were going to offer to swing. the others in the group later confirmed the same inkling.
i informed anna and tyler that dave is brian's friend and brian and amanda used to date and this was my first time to meet her.
anna: oh! i'm sorry. we didn't mean to interrupt your conversation.
anna: it's just that we like to meet new people.
beth: [because you can't keep any friends] oh... that's no problem. i'm horrible at meeting new people, so ... you know....
anna: we hate people. we usually say people are stupid.
beth: [sensing i might have just received a backhanded insult] yeah... hahaha... we say the same thing quite a bit ourselves. hahaha...
brian came back and said that dave and amanda had left. i was flabbergasted and ready to beat some heads for being abandoned. brian said it was time for us to go meet them and we said our goodbyes only to find dave and amanda on a couch in the other room. i sat on the floor to hide from anna and tyler. i later saw them on a different couch in the back room harassing another unwitting couple.
needless to say, it provided a lovely bonding experience for the four of us.
horrible horrible people, they were.