i was a little nervous. this was the big day. the day i had to act like a lady. i couldn't screw it up and ruin the entire wedding day. my purse (not the over-the-chest-number i've been toting on a daily basis since my last trip to germany four years ago, but the kenneth cole bag i purchased during a prior phase when i thought i wanted to embrace a professionally khaki existence which quickly became a haven for my old wallet and my passport) was filled to the brim with enough emergency girlie provisions to fully stock a bathroom. i made sure to include plenty of band aid's and a packet of dr. scholl's Moleskin to try and make the wearing of women's shoes as non-crippling as possible.
we set out hours and hours early because we had to pick up victor from his hotel room in edmond, along with daveM (usher #3... a high school teacher who will soon be unemployed and tricked me into thinking he would be fired once he asks a senior to the prom). i watched nj change into his monkey-suit amidst the carnage created the evening before when 10 others came to the hotel to drink beer from the bathtub and tried to watch porn until the wee hours. i almost slaughtered nj when his monkey pants showed him to be even skinnier than the baggy jeans he normally wears. (ps: the scale at the gym shows him to be losing half a pound a day culminating in a reading which proved him to be a mere handful of pounds weightier than i ... with his shoes and workout clothes on. i hate him.)
i had been riding around in the car all morning with my hands silently clasped under my chin and praying i would be granted another trip to Java Dave's before the ushers had to be at the church for photos. the sweet baby jesus loves me and my coffee. he even provided me with a giant chocolate chip cookie to prove it.
once at the church, i tried to linger in my urban commando pants as long as i could bear it before growing anxious enough to finally change into my skirt. and shoes. my feet began to sweat immediately and i was filled with gratefulness to my past self for having the presence of mind to install those sweat-sucking odor eaters.
i toodled on a path over and over which basically led from various part of the church to the bathroom (it's just my way). my final trip coincided with the bride's who was wearing fancy underwear, a veil, and her blue polka dot bathrobe. i climbed into the stall next to her, noticed it needed a new roll of paper, unwrapped a roll from the back of the toilet tank, and began pushing the middle of the tube onto the chrome dispenser. then something miraculous happened and i quietly, yet intently, exclaimed: "oh. my. god. that ... did not just happen."
i thought my eyes had deceived me. i thought perhaps a small mouse had materialized to tell me hello. but no... it was not quite so enchanting a fairy tale as that. it was less disney and more grimm. internet porn, even. some previous individual had apparently panicked by the lack of feminine hygiene product disposal units inside the stall. as a result, she had sloppily wrapped her tampon, bloodied by menstrual secretions, in a modest few squares of toilet paper and then inserted it into the middle of a once clean roll of toilet paper.
"it touched my hand." i cringed to the bride.
we would later bond over that moment. when i greeted her in the procession immediately following the ceremony, she asked if i had survived the tragic event without too much scarring.
the wedding itself seemed to go off without a hitch. the day could not have been more beautiful. the weather was perfect. the air had warmed to acceptable levels and the wind had died down. everything was blooming and green. the bride's friend read a very long, very biology-intense discourse about the hearts of hummingbirds and blue whales which segued into the eternal loneliness of all humanity. the woman officiating, with salt-and-pepper mullet in place, picked up the threads and continued with the ceremony.
i was rather proud of nj, victor, and daveM for learning the ushering ropes so quickly. and i was seated with daveTheJew, theresa, sara, and jason instead of nj's mother and stepfather... who i didn't even know would be there until mere hours beforehand. if i had been properly informed, i would at least have worn underpants.
next to come (when i get too bored to do anything else)... the after-party.