DAD! I NEVER GET TO GO OUTSIDE! NEVER! I NEVER GO OUTSIDE! I HAD PLANNED TO BE OUTSIDE TODAY! and besides, i was never officially invited anyway i wouldn't have even known if i hadn't overheard....
so by the pool i stayed where i fashioned a new method of flat-on-your-back beer consumption where the user places the frosty can on her chest and snakes a bendable straw to her beer-consuming hole. i learned quickly enough that with the proper seal, a slight amount of suction is automatically created to constantly draw a miniscule amount of liquid in to infuse the saliva with its golden nectar... much like an intravenous drug mixing directly and innocuously into the bloodstream.
once the family invasion began to conquer the backyard, i quickly moved the party to the shower and then left town with all the speed and none of the grace of a gazelle evading a predator.
as we're sometimes wont to do, darren and i shoved heaps of oily hare krishna edibles down the same hole where the beer had gone. then i was sleepy and unable to keep from accidentally going to see they might be giants and corn mo at trees.
i was mesmerized by the pint-sized hippie girl who wrapped her arm around my ass for a little too long as she was passing by. i was frightened of the girls who wound up in front of us. the blond one kept doing this wild pogo dance that made me fear for my toes and other body parts. once her friend moved directly in front of me, i began a no-holds-barred campaign to coax her back to the side. but my insistent coughing and dangerously close handclapping didn't phase her. even when i started blowing on the side of her head over and over again, she didn't flinch. i stepped it up to huffing out what must have been peanut-tofu and fried-yam spiked breath. nothing. then it was midnight and it was all over and i went home to go to bed.
and then i worked until 3am on that fucking political campaign while the client breathed down my neck with his faraway dinner-tainted breath. i wondered many times when i had transitioned back into the hell that is client services and then found myself tongue-tied when he uttered his belief that the client services manager he had been working with all evening was drunk. i insisted she was just sleepy. BECAUSE IT WAS ALMOST 3 IN THE MORNING! and god forbid if she had decided to imbibe ON HER WEEKEND.