changing lives since 2003 (ms_pooka) wrote,
changing lives since 2003
ms_pooka

$483.19

parents' day weekend culminated in a tragic death. but let's start at the beginning...



i jettisoned myself on to the highway to tyler friday after a tearful goodbye from the pussies. i arrived in time for our usual friday-night-dinner-in-tyler dinner at el charro with our usual dinner guest gilbert el-charro. he made the mistake of feeding my mom more beer (okay... so he brought all of us more beer, but i'm pretty sure mom had a headstart). i could see drunk-beth in drunk-mom's behavior. a good, beer-drinking time was had by all.

i don't remember what our tv-selection was that night, because i passed out so quickly. i passed out not from beer, but from tyler.

i was up painfully bright and early so that i could drop the camry off across town to develop a new relationship with a mechanic. he was pretty damned eager beaver as he immediately took to bouncing the trunk and throwing himself on the ground and shimmying under the rear end.

one of my pet peeves manifested several times that day beginning with the phone call from the mechanic to give the estimate. he asked for my father. upon notifying him my father was not present and could i take a message, he proceeded to list the many details which would earn his bread-and-butter for the day. i informed him that the 'her' of 'her car' was actually me... since he never actually asked if he could speak with me about my car.

mid-afternoon, dad answered the call that the car was good to go. he sashayed poolside where mom & i were camped out and proceeded to explain to mom the myriad of ailments my car had been suffering until i waved my hands for long enough while proclaiming:
i'm right here... you can tell me.

maybe he was still having difficulty talking to me directly after our earlier conversation that began with me informing him it was Naked Bikeride Day and ended with him informing me that if we went around ridding ourselves of all the laws that differentiate (i like to use the word 'discriminate' here) between the sexes, we'd have a big mess and if women hadn't been given the right to vote we'd be a lot better off (i like to think that last bit was just to get my dander up. silly daddy.).

hundreds of dollars later, my father drove me back over to pick it up. the mechanic proceeded to discuss the repairs with my father while showing him the spark plugs which had worked their way down to burnt, crusty knobs. in order to throw my faux-girl-mechanic weight around, i came up with the following:
yeah *sniffle*snort*, when i took those spark plugs outta the ford, they were filthy.

this finally earned me the right to have the mechanic look at me while he was talking. so what if it appeared he was looking me straight in the nipple-eyes. that's what i get for not wearing a bra.

jesus. it just rings of all the times i've had people ask me if the ford is my daddy's car, leaving me in want to put their neanderthal eyes out with the tip of my ignition key. silly prehistoric beasts.

so anyhow... back to the fun. as indicated, a great deal of saturday was spent wafting about in the crystal clear waters of mom&dad's man-made tropical paradise. lisa's family showed up later in the afternoon and dad took the opportunity to mix up margaritas for everyone so we could kick back and give the kiddos their first alcoholic beverage. we also taught them that beer tastes nasty because it's actually medicine for old people to keep their blood moving. if they were to consume it, their blood would run too thin and they'd pass out. that seemed to hold them and they stuck with their margaritas instead.

saturday night was the actual parents' day 'celebration' which amounted to me treating them to dinner at Joe's Italian Grill run by a family of Albanians, of course. i was surprised to see a platter of un-ordered mozzarella sticks being set on our table, especially since the waitress was Afghani-Barbie's little sister pamela. she spilled the secret that barbara had been proposed to three days prior with a ring from tiffany's and was now vacationing with mother-ingrid in france. [compare and contrast: i live in dallas and vacation in tyler.]

i now have two good friends from highschool whose asses are going to be whipped if they don't personally inform me of their engagements soon.

after dinner, we rushed home so we could be on the couch by 8pm. we ended up watching bridget jones, second half first and first half second, as mom snored on the floor and i began delving deep into my usual tyler-inspired depression.

sunday looked to be another day drifting aimlessly. i took it upon myself to bob about on an upturned inner tube scouting the perimeter of the pool saving insect lives. after a couple of hours, i caught a glimpse inside the skimmer and had the following internal dialogue:
hmmm. looks to be a long, grassy weed stuck in the skimmer. looked like a snake at first. long, grassy weed stuck in the skimmer. holy shit. is that a snake in the skimmer. MOTHER FUCKER IT'S A SNAKE IN THE SKIMMER!CAN'TBREATHEWHENTHERE'SASNAKEINTHESKIMMER!

i knew deep down this moment had been coming. i've spent the past month being slapped in the face from all sides by references to snakes:
movies, tv, internet articles, lj interview questions, you name it. i knew something was on its way and here it was squiggling away for its life.

i calmly informed my father of the visitor as i jiggitied my way up the pool steps and across the patio and into the french doors before proceeding to squeal-scream and spasm for a good four minutes. once i realized my father had a shovel in hand, i flashed back to the night a five foot snake had the misfortune to make its way from the creek down the street to our driveway only to find itself in the middle of a gaggle of shovel-and-torch-bearing neighbors and i now realized things did not look good for the creature i had snitched on. i pulled open the door and made 3-4 solid pleas for the snake's life as dad grabbed the BBQ tongs and informed me he doesn't like snakes before i realized all was lost and it was time for me to turn away.

unfortunately, since i'm a hardass about innocent lives being taken for absolutely no good reason, i found myself unable to la-dee-da my way back to the pool and went to shower instead. i passed the next several hours feeling rather glum as the rest of the family trickled into the house and out to the pool. i left a bit early since it was ridiculous for me to be there and no one would've known i was gone if i hadn't notified them anyway.

mom asked if i was leaving because of the incident (which i'd mentioned to no one). she said dad felt bad when he realized i wasn't coming back out. i was rather surprised to hear this as i'm well aware of my father's penchant for handing out brutal deaths to creatures he feels are making life in the yard difficult and he's well aware of my attempts at achieving ahimsa. loggerheads. i had no intention of guilt-tripping my father. it was just how i felt. and any of you out there shaking your heads and clucking your tongues over the extreme behavior of the over-zealous vegetarian can suck my ass.
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